What isn’t lost. Dreams of willpower.

This is a rough draft.


The moon is waning now. I may attempt again the forget lost love ritual. What is good , I was able break ground to understand recurring symbols. Namely, I am very close to pure lucidity in dream life. I can fly, levitate, time travel, pass through walls, become invisible. The dreams of the past waxing moon cycle were all about performing well at work. I worked at a sea side tourist destination. My job was to park the tour bus on the dock. The passengers would transfer from bus to boat. Usually my bus would fall off the dock. But with my will.. mind control… I brought the bus back up out of the water and placed it on the dock. Levitation, telekinesis, no hands. A co-worker chided me but I paid her no mind. It was a certainty I had skills that the employers wanted, however I was unsure what my specific skills were. “The dock is small.” I said. “It’s going to take practice to park the bus there.” The light was tinged grey blue and salty. A dream of the Atlantic.

Lastly, to share a dream about the theater, I met someone who I didn’t know however we had first met in 1560. My hair was long and stylish. A 1940s wartime look. Yet there was no obvious rationing of luxury. I wore fine fabric and lipstick. I liked very much meeting this person. There was an unspoken knowledge that the person was older than me , yet I was more powerful. If I meet this one again I will ask what to do with some of my day to day goals and likewise the artistic/spiritual pursuits with myself and others.

It’s a good time for love. That which is truly yours is never lost. I dislike possession. Yet P. is altogether apart. Because of some shamanism and results with me, J, B, R, S,M it was in 1994. Something happened. The name P. was offered to us. A little fruit of recognition. I speak vaguely. I know nothing.  It is simpler for me to adapt to the ways of dreaming than to current days of technology. I did write to P. P knows nothing about what J, B, R, S and M know. But besides myself, the only other person who remembers that blue night and the crisp days that followed is J. J often hopes that I will forget about the spooky New England revels. Because J.  wants me to be happy. I’m happy. There really isn’t anything much better than group dreaming up a name only to meet the name 9½ years later.

Waning moon, introspection, willpower, and letting go of the perpetual dance.


Dream to forget lost love

I went to sleep with the intention to forget P.

Intention in dreaming is a metaphysical practice taught by many, its techniques are accessible from writings from Carlos Castaneda and his work with Don Juan. For another perspective, Florinda Donner is good too. Ideally, intentional dreaming brings lucid dreaming. I have been trained in these practices by my mother and her teacher, Dhyani Ywahoo.

The timing is off for forgetting as the moon is waxing. I can reframe the thought to waxing a growing distance from the me of 10 years ago. It’s necessary however. P. did nothing wrong. I live in another state. There are many logical reasons to let go. I thought I had successfully let go autumn 2015. Then P. was in my dream and I must turn to a more applied sort of “good fairy magic” Pardon the magical thinking; it’s a clever mnemonic to get my emotional experience to better support my current needs. Lost love makes one gloomy. I’m not used to it. Love is surfing. I like to catch waves. Maybe it is impossible to write about. But at least I can record some of its ailments and procedures.

I set all my rocks out to sunbathe. I drew herbs Yarrow and Bittersweet. I burnt copal insence and anointed myself with rose and amber.

My dream brought me to the past again. I saw myself split into two. My twin stepped out of my body as one imagines an astral projection to do. I watched my soul observing me. A different friend came onto me. Someone I never dreamt of before. I can’t write it anymore than that. In the dream the friend was single and had no kids… but it was a lie. This is what the friend told me in hopes to get me into bed. I woke unrested and grumpy about monogamists. Surely, there is enough love for everyone to share.


John Lennon dream, recurring

I’m aware I’m from the future in the dream. I’m visiting the past. This time I am at John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s house. It’s similar to the house I grew up in, there’s paper except nearly all of it has been written on. I write down the lyrics to imagine for John. I sing him the song too. He hasn’t yet written the song.

Recurring Dream : P.

The past week the full moon waned. I had a few dreams mostly about my past and people who used to be my friends. 80percent of people with Traumatic Brain Injury lose all their friends. It’s a statistic one can find online. Walter Reed Hospital is a good resource. They are the home base for brainline dot org and military dot brainline dot org. (I don’t feel like linking the websites. Sorry) There are many useful videos on YouTube as well.  I want to get off this topic. It’s nice to write down about dreams and it’s nice to be Ilsa Bazaar, for what it’s worth. I can pretend to be a person who keeps a dream blog and sometimes, I digress. 🙂

When I type 🙂 that means I’m smiling. 🙂


The dreams had Ad. and T. and P. There was dad in a few. Mom too. I was walking back from the hospital again.

I was very surprised to have P. in my dream. I already wrote goodbye forever. I have not seen P. in years. I find it too personal to write about.

I haven’t considered what happens when I dream about people I don’t have contact with anymore. I often write to people after I dream about them. I considered writing to P. but I couldn’t do it.

Maybe the message is the dream. I still care about Ad. T. and P.  It’s their choice not to want to say hi. Not very friendly of them. But certainly, it’s most likely a blessing in disguise.